“Decision is a risk rooted in the courage of being free.” – Paul Tillich
I woke the next morning (Friday), having come no closer to a decision. Should I go to Cambodia or not? I decided I wouldn’t talk about it with anyone (besides John and Michelle) until I decided I was definitely going.
During my walk to the bus stop, I thought more about it. By the time I got to work, I was 80% sure I wasn’t going to go. I mean really, what use would I be on a build? Michelle and I still had many of the same friends and connections; we would be sharing the same fundraising base. I really should save my money up in case Dad needed help. Besides that, it had been two years since I got new glasses and I really should get a new pair. I also needed to go to the dentist and that wasn’t going to get any cheaper the longer I waited.
At the same time, I wondered if these thoughts weren’t just convenient excuses for doing something that, quite frankly, scared me a little. In giving advice to my friends, I’m always telling them they should do things that scare them and shake them out of their comfort zones. But here I was, wallowing away in my little comfort zone.
I was on planes before I could walk but didn’t stay in a youth hostel until I was 35. I’ve always travelled and I love to travel but the closest I have even been to a “developing” country is a 5 star resort in Thailand. Apparently, that doesn’t count.
I was nearly resolved by the time I got to work that no, I wouldn’t go. Typical of me, it took about 5 minutes at work before I was asking for advice from my friends (so much for not telling anyone until I decided). Within an hour, I had agreed to meet Michelle for a coffee and fire questions at her:
“How bad are the toilets there?” (Not too bad actually. Some squat ones, but majority are not)
“Where would be staying? In a hostel? With a family?” (A 4 star hotel and bused in and out of the build site each day)
“Do I have to get water filters, etc?” (They supply bottled water and you can pretty much buy it everywhere)
“Hand sanitizer?” (Yes)
“Will there be jobs that I can usefully do even though I am not the fittest, strongest person?” (Yes, and most of the team is comprised of big, brawny kiwi men who will do the heavy lifting)
“What technology are you taking?” (Phone, computer, kindle)
After the coffee interrogation, I was well and truly fence-sitting at about 50%. At drinks that night, my friend Deana asked me the question that tipped me over the edge: “If you don’t do it, will you regret it?” Definitely, yes.
Over dinner, I began composing blog entries in my head. But still, I wouldn’t commit. John sent me links to sites about Cambodia and suggested we hit the library the next day for books.
Michelle sent me links and emails from other people’s blogs and writings on previous Habitat builds in Cambodia. At the same time, she sent emails ‘politely inquiring’ on how my decision-making was going (mind you, she’d taken a month to decide to go on her third build and I was on day two of the decision about my first build so “pot – kettle – black”).
On Saturday, I checked out every decent book the library had on Cambodia and began reading. I downloaded the latest version of the Lonely Planet guide for Cambodia onto my iPhone 4. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Cambodia was pretty wired and internet access was affordable. I was dismayed to learn about the disease risk and the need for a number of vaccinations/booster shots (FYI Hepatitis A & B, Typhoid, Rabies, Japanese Encephalitis, Tetanus, Diptheria, Whooping Cough, Polio, and possibly yellow fever).
I downloaded apps including an introduction to Khmer conversation for travelers. Yes, I realize, looking back on it now, that blind Freddy could have seen that I was going to go, but I could not.
Ultimately, all the research in the world couldn’t make up my mind for me. But I knew two things -
1. If I didn’t go, I would regret it.
2. If I didn’t go, I would be a hypocrite of the highest order.
It was time to leave my comfort zone.
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